i lie here
dreaming of things
which could’ve been
places we could’ve gone
holding your hand
a leg atop your lap
figuring life out
twirling in my mind
you slide from right to left
to the pits i ran from
the pause feels like death
feeling the grip
tight of my teeth
shivering for light
from this dark cold place
i ravage the memories
hating you
all the things you said
demeaning justification
tears which felt like–
i sway with a sweat
toes numb
hurts to be, i said
i used to be, i said
insecurities flood
anxiety builds
gut in my chest
i wasn’t crazy
until you made me
anxious love